Bless Your Heart

Over the past year or so, I have started making a much more concerted effort to pay attention to the things I say and do. Tried to, at least. Admittedly, I still make as many mistakes and social faux pas as ever, but at least I feel like I am getting a tiny bit more aware of them while they are happening. More and more, my thoughts of “what did I do” are gradually being replaced with a slightly more sophisticated “oh, that’s gonna leave a mark”. One day I hope to get to a point where I am actually able to proactively stop myself from stuffing my foot in my mouth altogether, but regrettably, it doesn’t appear as though that is in the cards for me.

On the rare occasion – no more than three times a week – when I find myself with a mouthful of shoe leather, I can’t help but wonder where things went sideways on me. What I have slowly started to realize is that communicating is an art form, and like art, it is completely subjective and open to interpretation. Whereas Picasso is an artistic genius to some, to others he is simply a crazy person who clearly lost every game of Pictionary he ever played.

I wouldn’t go so far as to say that I am an “expert” at poor communication, but having been on both the giving and receiving end of a variety of ineffective communication styles, I am definitely no slouch. As a result, I would like to convey some of the various pros and cons I’ve picked up relative to some of my favorites. Think of this as my own little public service announcement, a thank you as it were, to you for being a faithful reader. In the interest of complete honesty, however, be careful what you do with this information since 1) I still regularly end up with my foot lodged where it shouldn’t be and 2) my “expertise” has not been validated by any objective third party.

The Direct Approach (aka the Drill Sergeant) – On the plus side, it is virtually impossible to misunderstand what the Drill Sergeant is trying to tell you. If nothing else, they are incredibly clear. In my own experience, I often find myself more comfortable being politically correct than being direct. Whenever I have to say something that I expect will lead to conflict or turmoil, I often end up watering down the message to the point where I end up sounding like I’m reciting a children’s book.

The Drill Sergeant could care less about being politically correct. Andrea’s grandmother Lil was a staunch advocate of the direct approach. An amazing woman, she never bothered with the trivialities of political correctness whenever I interacted with her. On the second occasion we spent time together, she greeted me with “wow, you sure have gained some weight, looks like you’re eating okay”. Nothing politically correct about that. Just the facts, followed by a quick smile and a hug. No ill intent, just direct and to the point.

One of the biggest challenges with the direct approach is that if you are like me and you are not necessarily the most secure and comfortable with yourself, the feedback can be fairly discouraging. In the case of Lil and my “weight gain”, after the initial embarrassment wore off, I proceeded to spend the next 3 hours sucking in my gut to try to compensate. While this did little to alter the fact that I had, in fact, gained some weight, it did help me realize that holding my breath for extended periods of time is not a viable alternative to diet and exercise.

The Passive Aggressive Approach (aka the Smiling Assassin) – I am not proud of it, but I am a recovering Smiling Assassin. As opposed to being direct and potentially causing conflict, I have typically opted for the indirect path, saying what I need/want to say wrapped in a beguiling shroud of humor. Or attempted humor, at least. Often the recipient doesn’t find me funny in the least, but in my defense, I come from a long line of Smiling Assassins.

The biggest challenge with the Smiling Assassin approach is that it is has the potential to be completely lost on the person with whom you are communicating. The ultimate success of the passive aggressive approach relies heavily on the other person being a mind reader, and the vast majority of the world seems to lack that ability. I know I do. Whenever people have tried the Smiling Assassin approach on me, given my relative lack of clairvoyance, the end result invariably involved them angry and me utterly confused, mumbling things like “how was I supposed to know ‘I would love to’ really meant ‘I think you are taking advantage of me and I want to kick you in the kidney’”?

One derivative of the passive aggressive style that I believe came about as a direct result of our inability to read minds is the fairly popular “bless your heart” approach. Admittedly, I wasn’t that familiar with this method until I spent some time in the South, but after seeing it in action, I must admit, I find it fascinating.

Definitely still in the Smiling Assassin genre, the “bless your heart” style is for those of us who aren’t comfortable being completely direct, but still want to ensure that our message is not lost. Struggling with telling someone you don’t enjoy spending time with them and “I can’t stand being around you” is just too direct for you? Slap a smile on your face and try “Wow, it really isn’t enjoyable being around you at all now is it, bless your heart”. They might be disarmed by the smile, but they will get the message. Having been the recipient of my fair share of “bless your heart” daggers, I can assure you of that.

The Condescending Approach (aka the Know-it-All) – As a parent, I regularly am required to play my “Father Knows Best” card when engaging in familial debate. This typically leads to a hearty round of laughter from my family, but if nothing else, it does help to slightly diffuse the situation.

While it is true that the bulk of dismissive, patronizing (or matronizing), know-it-all behaviors are most effectively utilized by parents, the reality is that everyone is capable of being condescending. Personally, I adopted this approach well before I became a parent.

My first job after college was with Deloitte Consulting, and my first project was to manage a software development team on a fairly decent sized project. The average age of the developers was probably in the neighborhood of 42, and I was the ripe old age of 22. Always eager to prove my worth, I regularly behaved in a way that could be used in a “What Not To Do At Work” training video for new hires. At the time, I had no clue how condescending I was being, how “listen to me, I know best” I was behaving, because I don’t think the Know-it-All ever really sees the impact of their actions. In my case, I was so wrapped up in trying to compensate for my own insecurities, I completely missed the fact that I was seriously ticking off a group of seasoned professionals who knew a lot more than I did.

The main problem with the Condescending Approach, at least from my perspective, is that with the advance of technology, it doesn’t really work anymore. You see, more often than not, Know-it-Alls are little more than BS artists. I know, because I was (am?) one, and trust me it just doesn’t work anymore. Oh sure, there was a time when people would just accept whatever BS you threw at them, but now, with information so readily available, if you don’t have your facts straight you are in serious trouble. Even Andrea, my loving, supportive wife, has the audacity to regularly question me when I start spewing my worldly knowledge. And the Internet has made it pointless for me to even argue anymore. Well played Google, well played.

There is no denying the fact that communication is an art, and that there are countless ways of doing it. While some styles seem to work better than others in different situations, I have found that the direct approach seems to be the most effective. It’s clear, concise, and avoids any potential confusion. As mortifying as it is to have your weight gain called out in front of your in-laws, at least you can’t complain about misinterpreting anything or missing a hidden clue buried in a backhanded compliment. But if you do give the direct approach a try, it wouldn’t hurt to sprinkle in a little empathy every now and again. And remember, if things start going sideways on you, just throw in a quick “bless your heart” and you should be good to go.

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